Do you find yourself attracting emotionally unavailable men? I’m there with you sis, but it’s okay. Let’s stop this cycle to get the healthy love we deserve.
*No matter how small you may see your daddy issues, they are 10000% valid and you have every right to feel the way that you do. It is totally reasonable to be angry, hurt, sad, resentful all at once. Don’t let anyone invalidate your pain, no one knows how you’ve been affected except for you.*
Here are some ways that I am trying to stop attracting emotionally unavailable men. I’m tired of realizing at the end of a relationship that he was just another emotionally unavailable man. I can say that these tips have helped me gain better discernment over men. Earlier this year I didn’t follow one of these tips and found myself disappointed once again.
Don’t be afraid to ask for advice.
We didn’t have that healthy male figure in our lives so what may seem common knowledge to others, we don’t. It’s okay, be open with your friends that you genuinely don’t know some things and ask. Ask friends that have a healthy relationship with their father or are in a healthy relationship. It will help alot to hear from others because what we may think is great treatment, can actually be the bare minimum.
*Watch out for red flags and ask important questions*
While in the early stages of dating a guy, you need to take special attention to red flags and signs of emotional unavailability. If you pay attention, they will tell on themselves. Ask important questions and see how they respond. How do they speak about their past relationships. Have they done reflecting and inner work? Are they self aware? Do they take accountability for where they went wrong?
Find content creators who empower and advise girls wanting better in relationships.
It’s nice to have a big sister role model that you can get advice and insight from whenever you want. Especially if you don’t have friends in relationships or anyone to get advice from. Sometimes it’s better to get objective insight from someone whose expertise are relationships. These are a few content creators I recommend: @michellexdiaz @staceydiazpodaca and @mahamaven and @victoriadevall. They continuously teach me a lot about womanhood and relationships. For more content creator suggestions visit my post My Favorite Content Creators for Self Improvement.
Work on healing your father wound.
Whether it’s mending your relationship with him, speaking your truth, getting therapy or doing any inner work, anything will do. Suppressing your pain and acting like your issues don’t exist will only make it harder to heal. Embracing and loving your wounds is what you deserve to do for yourself. Be vulnerable with trusted friends and family. Be vulnerable with yourself. It can be so difficult, but just know I understand your pain and that you are capable of overcoming it. It’s uncomfortable but not impossible. Use your hurt as fuel to work on yourself. You got this boo.
Take accountability.
Reflect on your relationship patterns. Be honest with yourself and take accountability. Sorry girl but it takes two to tango, especially in toxic relationship cycles. What are some things you do that lead you to be in negative situations or with shitty men? What behaviors do you exhibit in relationships that are unhealthy, self-sabotaging and self-betraying? Are you ignoring your intuition, breaking your boundaries or falling for potential? It’s okay if you do any of these (I sure have). No need to criticize yourself for it, just accept it and learn from them. Being aware of your patterns will get you another step closer to ending toxic cycles. Becoming aware is just the beginning but, how you heal or become more self aware will occur in your own way and timing.
Are you emotionally unavailable?
Relationships are mirrors. If we’re repeatedly attracting emotionally unavailable people, we have to stop and ask ourselves if we are too. You may not be as unavailable or emotionally immature as your exes but a part of you allowed yourself to be in a relationship that was not emotionally deep and challenging. Ask yourself, are you open to being vulnerable and intimate with a person? You may not know what that looks like. It’s hard when you’ve never seen or experienced it before in a safe space, I’m not very comfortable with vulnerability either. It will take a healthy, secure person to make you feel safe enough to be vulnerable. The key is being open to the idea and not putting up a wall.
Have boundaries and stick to them.
Having boundaries will weed out the people with bad intentions. Stick to them so that with time, the person will give up and go try to play somebody else. If they aren’t automatically respecting your boundaries, it’s not a good sign. You should not have to repeat your boundaries and they should not be trying to convince you to break them. Trust me, the right person will respect your boundaries and have no problem that you have them. I know it can feel like depending on the situation, you can “bend the rules” but trust me you will be dodging a bullet losing someone who is pushing your boundaries. I have a post all about boundaries: Setting & Sticking to Your Boundaries.
p.s. this is the one I didn’t follow and it bit me in the ass
Give yourself grace and compassion.
These were the cards you were dealt. It sucks, but you wouldn’t be the person you are today without them. You are learning and a work in progress. There’s no deadline or perfect way to heal. Do what serves you well and what makes you happy. It’s not easy having to unlearn toxic patterns. You will make mistakes and learn lessons, but that’s the way of life. Be easy on yourself. Just keep moving forward and working towards the person/partner/friend you want to be.
You are worthy of a healthy, true love.
I know firsthand how frustrating it can be to realize after that they were just another emotionally unavailable person projecting their pain/issues/insecurities on you. It can feel like a loss, but I promise you it’s a huge win when you learn from it. Take those failed situationships/relationships as lessons to do better the next time around. Use them as fuel to learn more about yourself to be more emotionally intelligent. Don’t let those negative situations turn you cold. The biggest win is remaining a good hearted, genuine person despite all the hurt.
I wish you the best on your journey from emotionally unavailable men to a healthy, loving man. Have a great day/night! Thank you for being here. <3
Girl…. I needed this wow. Very relatable and also uplifting.
I’m glad you benefitted from it :’) <3