Boundaries are one of the most important and needed components in relationships: romantic, platonic and the one with yourself.
I was not raised with a good example of relationships or even how to go about them, so I had to learn the hard way how damaging it could be to yourself when you don’t set boundaries. If you can relate, I hope this post helps you out.
Boundaries
Boundaries are set standards and rules you have for yourself and others to clarify what you aren’t okay with in relationships. Everyone has different boundaries because not everyone sees things the same. There are some boundaries that mostly everyone can agree to, like cheating and lying being a dealbreaker. Overall, it’s up to you to decide what you will and won’t tolerate.
If it bothers you, it bothers you.
In order to set boundaries that suit you, you must know yourself enough. Reflect on the type of person you are and the things that you personally are not okay with. Don’t think about what others would consider a boundary. It’s your life and relationships, so you do what’s in your best interest. There’s no need to feel ashamed, if something bothers you then it bothers you. No need to over explain yourself. If you set a boundary and someone thinks it’s unreasonable, they are just upset that they can’t get away with disrespecting you anymore. I personally don’t want my man liking other girls’ pictures. To you or anyone else, that might seem extreme but that’s not my problem. The right friend/partner will respect the boundary and have no problem doing so because they don’t want to lose you.
Setting boundaries
It’s hard setting boundaries when you’re not assertive and used to expressing your needs without feeling guilt/shame. But remind yourself that the right people will not get upset at you for setting a boundary. Some may get caught off guard but if they value your presence in their life, they will respect it. Also, your friends and/or partner are not mind readers, and may be doing things without much thought. Once you set the boundary, you’ve done your part. Then it’s up to them to respect it or not. If they don’t, that’s where you do what you need to do.
When setting a boundary, someone may be confused or not see why it bothers you, so make sure to give a straight-to-the-point explanation. It might not be the easiest thing to do at first, but once you do, it makes it much easier to see if a person is worthy of your time. It actually makes it easier for both parties, one is getting their needs met and the other knows clearly what not to do. Setting boundaries shows you respect yourself and will not tolerate any foolish behavior. You’re not making anyone do anything, you’re stating a request and if they can’t comply, then bye.
State boundary + explain how it makes you feel (reasoning) + consequence if boundary is disrespected
i.e. Please don’t like girl’s pictures + It makes me feel insecure in this relationship + If you continue to do this after I’ve already told you, then we’re done.
Tips on creating boundaries
Reflect
- What are things in past relationships that bothered you but you never said anything? (i.e. I didn’t voice my discomfort of my ex liking girl’s pictures, so now I’m going to voice that in the beginning of my next relationship).
- With friends and family, it’s the same. What are some things they do/say that make you feel bad? (i.e. I don’t like when my mom guilt trips me, so I’m going to let her know politely that I don’t like it and if she continues, I will stop coming around as often).
- Write them down! You will most likely need the reminder when you get caught up in a relationship.
- You won’t have all boundaries figured out right now, they also come up from new situations. Express your discomfort to the person and if it’s a repeated occurrence, then you can make it a boundary.
Sticking to boundaries
Key word *sticking*. You can state boundaries but are you going to stick to them once someone tries to push them? Once you have established boundaries, these are things that are not to be compromised. If someone is trying to cross a boundary, then they are expecting you to betray yourself and go back on your word. Whoever tries to push your boundaries probably doesn’t stick to their own. Think twice about whether this person is good for you. Not saying all people who do so are malicious and intending to disrespect you, but some don’t even realize their actions and how they’re coming across. If you have to be stern, be stern.
Stop giving them the benefit of the doubt.
I recently had a situation where I stated a boundary and a few times this person tried to push it by asking me about it (knowing my answer would be the same). At the time, I did see it as a red flag yet I didn’t remove this person from my life because I gave them the benefit of the doubt and felt that they weren’t doing it with bad intentions. In reality, a person who is trying to get you to “bend the rules” is not a person that values sticking to one’s word. They don’t take their own word seriously, so they aren’t taking your word seriously. So even if the person is technically still respecting your boundaries, the fact that they are trying to push you to change your mind is already a bad sign. Sometimes it really is that simple, you may really like them and truly believe they’re a good person but that doesn’t mean they would be a good partner/friend.
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Setting boundaries and sticking to them is not easy, it’s something I am still working on implementing in my life. For whatever reason it may be, some of us struggle with speaking up and expressing our desires. Remember that if stating a boundary makes someone angry, they are better off out of your life.
You are worthy of people who respect you and wouldn’t risk losing you. If you go back on your word, it’s okay. Don’t beat yourself up about it, just see it as a sign of where you need more work. I wish you the best, have a great day/night <3