For the Girlies with Daddy Issues

This post is for the amazing women with daddy issues: only you will truly understand what is written here.

The phrase “daddy issues” has been used to make a joke or put down those without a father present, but I want to reiterate that this is not the intention here on this post.

Here, I write this for anyone healing and struggling with the consequences of your father’s actions. I know firsthand how this feels, you can and will break the cycle.

Sorry.

You might not ever hear it directly from him, but I’m telling you I’m sorry you have this father wound in the first place. I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with the pain of betrayal, disrespect, and negligence coming from your own father. The one who was supposed to make you always feel safe, loved, guided and cherished. It’s a pain no one deserves, but in reality too many experience.

Your feelings and experiences are valid.

Growing up my father caused my family a lot of pain and heartbreak. He never and still isn’t an affectionate or attentive father. I’ve accepted the cards I’ve been dealt, but it still hurts to think about sometimes. I never really acknowledged my own trauma experiences and emotions (since I didn’t get that as a kid) until college. Once I finally faced how I was personally affected and validated my own feelings and experiences, I was able to begin healing. It helped opening up to loved ones about my experiences to get the validation I never received. Your pain and experiences are unique to you, despite living under the same house, your siblings have their own experiences and perspectives on the dysfunction in your family. If you haven’t already, please talk to someone you trust, it really will help relieve some of the emotional weight you’re carrying.

~~~

I don’t want to speak for you but, I know due to my daddy issues I have that subconscious desire to seek affection and attention from a man. When you have that void and are not used to receiving actual love from a male figure, any small amount is good enough. It’s sad, but true. I used to accept the bare minimum (or below it) because atleast I was getting something I never had. Everyone is affected differently, but deep down we all wish to have had that loving relationship with a parent. Whether you wish to work on your relationship with your father or not, either is totally fine. Many will say it’s important to try to get closer to a parent, but I don’t agree when it has to do with trauma and dysfunction. Unless you experienced it yourself, you won’t understand the disconnect trauma can cause between a parent and their children.

Grieve, Accept, and Let It Go.

Grieve.

In order to move past the hold your daddy issues have on you, you need to allow yourself to grieve the loss of/lack of a relationship with your father. Enable your inner child and yourself to let out all the hurt your father caused. Grieve the fact that you never got to experience all the little moments of love, support and comfort that people get to have with their parent(s). Do whatever you feel like to make your pain and emotions feel seen and heard (write it out, talk it out etc.). I personally cried it all out while soothing myself and speaking outloud to my inner child. As an adult it might not hurt so much, but your inner child is hurting and waiting to be comforted.

Accept.

Accept that these are the cards you were dealt. You had no control over who your parents are. Face and accept that you missed out on a healthy fatherly love. Accept that your relationship with your father was never a typical father-daughter relationship, and that it might never get better. You can’t control your father. You can’t make him do the work to heal. He has to want to change himself. All you can do is focus on what you can control; yourself. Though it’s upsetting you were left with all this trauma and pain, it’s up to you now to not end up an unhealed person projecting your pain onto others. Do what your father couldn’t and heal.

Keep in mind what your father went through that led him to be the person he is/was. It absolutely doesn’t excuse or justify his actions, but it helps to understand why someone is the way they are. For example; my father grew up in Mexico and went through severe physical abuse from an alcoholic father. Knowing his upbringing, it makes sense why he turned out as an abusive alcoholic. It’s a cycle. Having this information allowed me to understand that my father doesn’t even know how to love. His actions weren’t personal to me and didn’t signify that he didn’t love my family and I, he just simply wasn’t taught anything except how to suppress his feelings and be “macho”. Whatever it is your father did, it’s not your fault. His actions are a reflection of his pain and how he feels about himself.

You are not a wounded little girl, you are a bad ass woman who’s in control of her life.

Let it go.

Don’t let this pain become a heavy weight on your heart that blocks you from healing and loving. Once you’ve felt your feelings, let it go. Leave it behind you and keep moving forward. You’ve been through some shit but don’t let it define you. You are not a wounded little girl, you are a bad ass woman who is in control of her life and is breaking the cycle. Grieve the hurt, but don’t dwell in the sorrow. Make decisions and actions based on the woman you desire to be, not the wounded young girl who seeks any bit of validation.

Realize your worth!

I know this can be easier said than done. It wasn’t until I was in a toxic situation that I realized I didn’t love myself as much as I thought I did. You don’t love yourself as much if you are tolerating disrespect and settling for below the bare minimum. I know it can be difficult to navigate relationships not knowing how a man is supposed to treat you, but now thankfully theres the internet with countless information. I even have posts about raising your standards and knowing what you want in a partner: How to Know What You Want in a Partner & Have High Standards & Stick to Them. True self love is shown with your actions; setting and sticking to boundaries, removing toxic people from your life, self compassion, and making healthier decisions. Your love for yourself has to be enough so that you aren’t tolerating below the barrel treatment just for the sake of some validation. You are the prize! I don’t care who disagrees, you have the right to believe that you are worthy of so much more.

Balancing masculine and feminine energy

Typically girls with daddy issues and/or sexual trauma have more masculine energy due to the need of survival. At one point you had to learn to protect yourself, suppress your emotions, or do things on your own. Things were out of your control so now it helps you feel safe when you have control. In my experience, I wasn’t given a safe space to express my emotions and I was left to deal with my emotions and figure out things on my own. This led me to be closed off and very independent. These are more masculine traits opposed to feminine traits of vulnerability and receiving. If you relate to this, then try to tap more into your feminine energy. It’s important to be in tune with both your masculinity and femininity. You are able to receive, relax and embrace your emotions while also being an independent, logical and disciplined person. It’s all about the balance.

I’m proud of you.

You have made the first step of becoming aware that healing needs to be done. Be proud of yourself for that, not a lot of people are willing to do the work. Having “daddy issues” isn’t something to be ashamed of. Grieve, accept and let it go. Do this for yourself, for your children, and for all the women before you that couldn’t break the cycle.

Thank you so much for reading my post, I appreciate you! Have a great day/night <3