When you’re facing any internal or external struggles, it’s super helpful to practice self compassion. Showing yourself compassion will allow you to better handle difficult feelings and improve your relationship with yourself.
Demonstrating self compassion is something I am still learning, but so far it has helped me limit beating myself up and release shame over aspects of myself and my life that I have trouble accepting.
If you put in the effort to practice self compassion, you will see your relationship with yourself, others and life improve.
I will be going into what self compassion is, how it can help you and specific ways/exercises to practice self compassion.
Before I begin, I would like to credit much of my self compassion knowlegde to Kristin Neff, Phd, the author of Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. This book includes tons of self compassion exercises and goes into depths on the topics of self kindess, common humanity and mindfulness.
This is a moment of suffering. Suffering is part of life. May I be kind to myself in this moment. May I give myself the compassion I need.
Kirsten Neff, PhD, Self-Compassion: The Proven Power Of Being Kind To Yourself
What is Self Compassion?
To have self compassion is to show yourself love and accept yourself as you are instead of beating yourself up or dwelling on how “you’re not good enough”. Instead of trying to avoid admitting fault or putting others down when feeling insecure or shame, just accept it and yourself. Let go of the idea that aspects of yourself need to be changed or categorized as good or bad. Treat yourself the way you would treat a friend who is feeling down. Focus on the amazing parts of yourself and don’t let mistakes define you. Recognize that you are a complex person experiencing the ups and downs of life.
Why Practice Self Compassion?
Self compassion strengthens your relationship with yourself. Your relationship with yourself impacts your relationships with others and how you are as a friend, sibling, parent, partner and so on. You can’t properly care for others until you have taken care of yourself first. You can’t pour into others from an empty glass.
Self compassion helps increase emotional intelligence. If you can have compassion for yourself, you can have compassion for others. This comes in handy when someone does you wrong, arguing with someone and dealing with difficult people.
Things I Say to Myself to Practice Self Compassion
Depending on the situation, I will say one or some of these phrases to myself to bring myself back to acceptance rather than insecurity and shame.
- This is a part of my journey that is completely unique to me. It is just not my time. Everyone else is on their own timeline, it’s impossible to accurately compare.
- I am not alone in this struggle. There are many people dealing with this, it’s completely okay to be going through this.
- I am grateful for these low moments, for I would not be able to truly appreciate the highs.
- I give myself grace. I have gone through so much and I am only human. I am still learning and growing.
- This is a part of the human experience. Throughout life there will be tough times that push us to grow.
- I am here for you. I hear you. I see you. It is okay to feel these feelings. Let them come and go.
- I am inherently worthy just for existing. This moment/feeling does not define me or my worth.
Exercises
These exercises are a few of the many exercises provided in Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself by Kirstin Neff, PhD. I bet all exercises are helpful but these are ones I had already practiced in a similar way or was introduced to by the book.
1. Give yourself a hug
It may feel weird at first, but when you find yourself feeling tough emotions, give yourself a hug. Your nervous system can’t tell who is hugging you, it just feels the warmth and comfort of a hug. Hug yourself however feels natural to you or you can put one hand around your rib cage and the other around your neck. Caress yourself and start to speak kind, loving words to yourself. Your nervous system will start to calm down. Try it out and get used to showing yourself some love.
2. Mindfulness Meditation
Mindfulness allows us to be more aware of the present moment, feelings and thoughts that we are experiencing. This is important for self compassion so that we can identify emotions in our body and when we are speaking badly to ourselves. As we become more aware, we can better respond to unfortunate circumstances.
Simply note your emotions, sensations, and thoughts while controlling your breath. You can do this as a seated meditation with your eyes closes or for just a few minutes wherever you are. Narrate in your mind objective observations of whatever you hear, smell, and feel. For example, “birds chirping”, “neighbors talking”, “the scent of my candle”, “back slightly hurts”, “tightness in my chest”, “nervousness”. Even if you find yourself thinking of what you have to do that day, acknowledge it and just go back to being in the present.
With consistent practice of this, you can train your brain to become more aware of how you feel at the moment. Being more in tune with the present moment helps you gain more gratitude for life.
3. Talk to your inner critic
You can journal, speak outloud or internally reflect on what you observe about your inner critic and how you feel after showing yourself compassion. To really get your inner critic to quiet down, this practice should be done over time.
Catch yourself when you’re thinking negatively towards yourself. If that’s hard to do, try to take note of what you’re saying to yourself when you’re feeling upset or self critical. Acknowlegde that inner critic and express gratitude for it’s attempt to protect you and improve yourself. Let your inner critic know that the way it’s trying to help you is only making you feel worse. Then, try to reframe the words you are telling yourself into more kind, understanding words. Think of what you would tell a friend to help them feel better. While telling yourself kind words, also caress your arm/face/shoulder and show your body some love. Then think of a healthy action to cheer yourself up (go on a walk, read, get a cup of coffee, listen to music).
4. Body scan
Your body also needs to be shown compassion and attention. It’s important to remember how our body and mind are interconnected, not two separate objects. Dedicate to yourself some time to do this exercise. This exercise consists of scanning all parts of your body and observing any tension, pain or sensations you feel in that specific area. This exercise will help you feel more connected to your body. As you learn to feel more connected with your body, you will be able to better listen to your body and take care of yourself.
To begin, lay down on your bed, the floor or a mat with arms out to the side and eyes closed. You can start at the top of your head or at the bottom of your feet. I like to visualize a literal x ray scanning my body as I focus on each section, but you can think of whatever will help you stay focused on specific parts of your body. You don’t have to go into any specific order but, as you scan through each section (your head, neck, shoulders, hands/wrists, arms, upper/lower back, chest, stomach, pelvic area, thighs, knees, calves, ankles and feet) observe what you are feeling.
Don’t place any judgement or worry for what you’re feeling. Simply observe it like you are a scientist taking objective observations of your body’s sensations. Then give that area of your body love and gratitude for what it does for you. If there is pain, dedicate that you will take some extra care. Take as long as you want on each area. If there’s anything you would like to apologize to your body for, like speaking badly towards it, consuming large amounts of unhealthy foods/substances, go ahead and do so.
5. Reflect on a trait you judge yourself for
This exercise I found very helpful in releasing shame for a trait I have always been insecure about. It helps remind you that you are not defined by this trait and that instead of judging yourself, try to provide yourself some understanding. Choose a trait that you judge yourself for and define yourself as; this trait will be the focus of this exercise. Here are questions from an exercise in Kirstin Neff’s book to ask yourself/journal about:
How often do you display this trait – most of the time, sometimes, only occassionally? Who are you when you don’t display the trait? Are you still you?
Are there particular circumstances that seem to draw out the trait, and others in which the trait is not apparent? Does this trait really define you if particular circumstances must be present in order for the trait to emerge?
What are the various causes and conditions that led to having the trait in the first place (experiences, genetics, life pressures, etc.)? If these “outside” forces were partly responsible for you having this trait, is it accurate to think of the trait as reflecting the inner you?
Did you choose to have this trait, and do you have much choice about whether or not you displaay this trait? If not, why are you judging yourself for this trait?
What happens when you reframe your self-description so that you are not defining yourself in terms of the trait? Instead of saying, “I am a lazy person.” replace it with “At times I can be lazy.” By not strongly identifying with this trait, does anything change? Can you sense more peace of mind?
Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself
It takes time.
Depending on how deeply negative self talk is ingrained within you, it will take time and a conscious effort to make self compassion second nature. I believe in you, and it’s completely fine to find yourself forgetting to practice self compassion. It’s catching yourself and trying to do better that matters the most.
This post was all about how to practice self compassion, specific exercises and why it is essential to have self compassion.
I hope this post was helpful to you in any way. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this post and I wish you the best of luck on your self improvement journey. Now go give yourself compassion!