Before entering in a serious relationship, it’s really important to know what you want in a partner. If you’re going in without clear and set standards in mind, you risk ending up unhappy and unfulfilled with your relationship.
Here in this post are the most important actions you should take to know what you want in a significant other. These tips have helped me remember my standards and what I truly desire in a partner. By the end of this post you will know what steps to take to sort out what you want in a partner.
This post is all about what to do in order to know what you want in a partner.
You don’t want to find yourself settling.
It can be difficult to really know what we want in a partner. It would be nice to just ‘go with the flow’ and see how things go with someone but that doesn’t always work out. Without set standards we tend to be too lenient and before we realize it, we’ve settled for someone who does the bare minimum.
It is essential to know what you want in a partner to know off the bat if someone is even worth spending your valuable time on. If you’re dating to marry, you’re thinking of your future partner for life. You definitely should be stern with your standards and not ignore them. Don’t worry about what society or your friends think about your standards. Everyone is different, and it’s your life! The person you are in a relationship/partnership with has so, so , so much impact on your life. The person you’re romantically involved in has the power to affect your growth as a person, your mental health, your family life and so on. Don’t take your standards lightly!
Here’s what to do:
These are all important topics you have to reflect on and take note of before entering a serious relationship. There are a lot of factors that go into determining whether someone is compatible with you. Allowing someone in your life is giving them access to your valuable time and energy. Take your selection process serious.
Spend time in solitude
Solitude is essential for enjoying your own company and also learning a lot about yourself. In spending time alone, you go through experiences that teach you a lot about yourself. You have moments of realization that you wouldn’t have if you were always distracted by other people and things.
Solitude shows you the beauty of being alone. You begin to truly enjoy being with yourself that you are much more particular about who you allow into your life. You are able to ask yourself, “Does this person add to my life? Do I enjoy being with this person as much as I enjoy being alone?”.
Reflect on past partners
Think back on the traits of your past partners and certain aspects of those relationships that showed you some things you really enjoy and want in a partner. For example, maybe one partner made you realize how much you love frequent physical touch, and another partner showed you that you want someone who is adventurous. Also think about what you don’t want in your next partner. Think of the red flags you might have ignored and write them down so you don’t forget. There will be obvious characteristics, but also try to think of the little things that you brushed off. Like small acts of inconsideration and selfishness. I personally believe those small acts show one’s character and are things someone who truly cares about you would not do. How did they treat you while you were going through a tough time? What are their initial words when you share good news? Do they tip service workers, and how do they treat them? Don’t ignore the little things that rub you the wrong way.
Core values and beliefs
What you find very important to you may be different to someone you’re dating. You have to keep in mind that people are very unique and have gone through their own experiences that shape the way they see life. There are so many topics you have to consider such as, family, culture, religion, gender roles, lifestyle, race and sexuality. Maybe there’s some you haven’t established an opinion on yet, which is another reason why it’s important to do this. You want to go in a relationship being your own person and not clinging on to another’s beliefs because you don’t have any education or opinions on the subject.
Think of these topics and determine which ones you feel strongly about, don’t care for, and need more information on. You can even make a chart to organize them if it helps you. What are the beliefs you carry and are you willing to ‘agree to disagree’ or is it a non-negotiable? It’s important to be with someone that aligns with what’s important to you or you will end up clashing. It’s normal and healthy to have different views on certain topics but there are some topics that you can’t compromise on. For example, if you’re a devoted Christian, you’re not going to spend time on someone who is Buddhist. Maybe some people can be with someone with extremely different views, but what are YOU okay with?
Emotional needs
Everyone requires a certain level of emotional support and intensity in a partner/relationship. Some people are more sensitive and emotional than others (a.k.a. me), and if that’s you that is completely fine. It is up to you to make sure you are with someone who can meet your emotional needs. There are many people who will not be able to provide the emotional care you want and need, and you have to make the decision for yourself to end things. Staying with that person, hoping that they will somehow gain emotional intelligence will only leave you unsatisfied, feeling like the relationship is missing something. Make a high level of emotional intelligence and maturity a requirement for you. If you are into cis men, it may feel like that’s hard to find but they are out there! You are never too much, and someone who can reciprocate your emotional intensity will never make you feel that way.
Love languages
Everyone you meet won’t have the same ways of expressing their love. It’s important to know your love language(s) to know what expressions of love would make you the happiest. Then when you meet someone, you can see if they suit your love languages and you can communicate with them what you would prefer. It’s okay to have different love languages, but if they don’t try or can’t meet them then you are just not compatible. There are multiple quizzes online to find out your love language, but here is a popular one: https://www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/love-language.
*Make a “Must Have, Would like, and Must Not” chart*
This step is so important!! Make a table/chart in your notebook or desktop and create 3 categories. Must haves, Would like, and Must NOTs. Before you start, consider the topics listed above. What are factors of a partner that relate to your core beliefs, love languages and emotional needs?
The first category you will write are all the must have characteristics and standards of your ideal partner. This is your ideal person so don’t hold back and believe that this person is out there waiting for you! Include traits of someone’s personality and character, not physical traits. For example, traits such as being funny, ambitious and open minded are requirements for me. Also traits like someone who makes you feel heard and seen is so important. Don’t think about what others or society sees as important. Don’t be afraid with putting standards that some may consider “too high”. You are the one being affected by your standards and decisions so you have the right to set whatever standards you feel are important to you. You can include general physical traits, but requiring that someone be a brunette with green eyes is a bit unrealistic and closing yourself off to so many great people. Second category you include traits that you would like, but it’s not a dealbreaker. Like someone’s specific physical traits, or music taste. The last category are the non-negotiables that you will absolutely not tolerate in a partner, i.e. emotional unavailability, immaturity, lying, and so on. Next time you meet someone, look back on your list and see if they meet your Must Haves! If you see that they don’t, know that they are simply not for you.
Know What You Want and Don’t Settle.
You are worthy of an amazing partner that meets your emotional needs, aligns with your core values, and suits your love languages. You deserve so much more than the bare minimum. There is no rush to meet your ideal person, so as of right now focus on yourself and learn more about what you want in a partner.
This post was all about what to do in order to know what you want.
Thank you so much for reading this post. I really hope this post was useful and helpful! I appreciate you for taking the time out of your day to read what I have to say. Have a great day/night and goodluck on your journey of self improvement and meeting your ideal partner!