I’m currently on a celibacy journey and want to share my experience so far. Being celibate can be difficult but it’s had way more benefits.
This is for those wanting to be celibate and/or have been celibate for a while. I hope it resonates & helps you.
To give some background, what I personally mean by being celibate is no sex and talking stages with men. A first date or two for the experience is fine but nothing physical and not taking any men seriously. Being celibate will look different for you depending on your values and intentions with being celibate. For some it will be anything but sex. For others it’s completely decentering men, not entertaining men in any way.
What do you want to accomplish with being celibate?
Being celibate without taking this time to learn more about yourself and your relationship patterns won’t bring you much growth. Think of your intentions with being celibate and what you hope to gain from it; mentally, spiritually, and emotionally.
I’m not going to try to convince you to be celibate or claim there’s one way to do it. Everyone has their own values and views on sex. I decided I rather have sex with someone who I feel emotionally safe with, so I’m celibate. But you decide what you feel is best for you.
It’s okay to be bored.
One of the biggest “downsides” of being celibate and not having a roster is the boredom. Having a love life can be eventful and make life more interesting but at what cost? We see boredom as a bad thing, but it’s totally normal to be bored. It’s a normal state of being. We’re not meant to always be entertained, but with smart phones and having tons of options it makes it seem like boredom is a bad thing. In times of boredom is when you have the most epiphanies and realizations. That’s why it’s important to be okay with being alone because you’ll end up learning that being bored isn’t such a bad thing. It’s peaceful. Being celibate and decentering men from your life will help you learn to enjoy your own company.
With time, you’ll naturally find hobbies and interests that bring you joy. For example, while being celibate I’ve gotten back into reading, which is something I’ve always loved. I had the time to really think about what I want out of life. Having the extra time to do research led me to starting this blog which is a great creative outlet for me. Spending time at the park has become one of my favorite things to do alone. I visit new coffee shops and museums. I take myself out on dates and buy myself flowers. Being single has become something I genuinely enjoy. I am a lover girl at heart and I find myself daydreaming sometimes, but I always go back to how amazing it is to be single in my early twenties. Trust me, there’s plenty of better things to do to cure your boredom.
Periods of loneliness.
Another “downside” is the periods of loneliness. Not gonna lie, they do suck. Some times more than others. But just like any feeling and situation, they pass. With everything there’s going to be pros and cons. We’re human, it’s completely typical to feel lonely and want some love. Allow yourself to experience loneliness and let it pass rather than impulsively hitting a man up for attention/affection. In those times, hit up a friend. Distract yourself with other forms of entertainment and pleasure. With time, you learn that you can solve your own issues and voids rather than looking for a man to do so.
When I’m feeling lonely, I feel it out. Maybe listen to a few songs and simp a little. I try not to dwell on the feelings though. I’ll end up switching my music to more upbeat music I can sing to. I’ll get high, watch a movie/show with some snacks, plan a solo date. Or i’ll make plans with a friend. As women, we’ll have our days where it’s our hormones causing the emotions. So I don’t always try to analyze why I’m feeling a certain way. Sometimes we just need to release tension or static energy.
“I am so grateful for all the love I have in my life”
In those phases of loneliness and wanting to be loved, switch your perspective from lack to excitement. Instead of focusing on the fact that you’re not in a relationship, be excited for when the day comes. You can acknowledge your loneliness, but put more energy towards being grateful for the love in your life now and for whats to come. It’s not a matter of “if”, but of “when”. So be patient <3
Mindset shift
I’ve been celibate for a little over a year and I’ve definitely seen a difference in how I see men and relationships. Now, I care way less about a man’s opinion of me. I feel way more comfortable to be myself, and if they don’t like it. They can kick rocks. I used to hold back or be afraid of showing my weird side, afraid of turning them off. But if being myself turns them off, then why tf would I waste my time with him?
I’ve also been able to notice how much I used to take men’s opinions into consideration when I wear/post something. I’ll notice when I’m trying to look “cute” in front of an attractive man. As women, we really are socialized to appeal to the male gaze. So many of us seek validation or want an ego boost. It’s not a bad thing to want it and try to get it, but evaluate if that’s your main source of self esteem.
In my time of being celibate, I’ve had the mental clarity and time to find out what I want out of a relationship and in a partner. Not being mentally clouded by liking a man has let me set higher standards for myself. I realized before I was accepting the bare minimum, and now I know my worth and will never settle. With all this time, I’ve learned a lot from reflecting and online content creators such as boundaries, what not to tolerate, what type of man I want and so on.
Having time away from men will show you how wonderful and fulfilling life can be without them.
I hope your celibacy journey brings you much growth and self love. Have a great day/night <3